by Ian Smith
Setting: A courtroom. Dimly lit. One defendant in the dock; not a person, but a Brain.
Charge: Theft…not of money, but of life.
BRAIN: (In the defendant’s stand, looking round and sneering at IAN SMITH, a man on the opposite side in the witness stand.)
JUDGE: (who looks suspiciously also like IAN SMITH, but with a powdered wig): “This court is now in session. Prosecution, you may begin your case.”
PROSECUTION:(addressing BRAIN) “Brain, you are accused of stealing time, consciousness, and years of life and enjoyment from this man, Ian Smith. I believe the exact amount is a third of his life-span!”
BRAIN (arms folded, defensive): “Oi, don’t look at me, mate! I just wanted a bit of sleep, alright? Is that a crime now?”
PROSECUTION: “Yes it is! when you forced him to sleep when he wanted to live! You kept him awake when he begged for rest. You robbed him of days and nights, of enjoyment of all his hobbies! How do you plead?”
BRAIN: “Not guilty! I was tired. He was tired. I just said, ‘No films tonight’. No joy. Bed.”
PROSECUTION: “I call my first witness, IAN SMITH. How long have you known the accused?”
IAN (from the witness stand, dark circles under his eyes): “All my life! I grew up with him, but lately he’s become a timewasting pain in the arse!”
BRAIN: “Oi! Watch who you’re calling a ‘pain in the arse’!! And how do I waste your time, then, mush?”
IAN : “You always do the same thing every night, Brain!!! Whenever I want to relax and just watch a film in the evening; you shut my body down, and say ‘NO! NO! NO! I wanna sleep!’ Then when you’ve had what YOU want, I wake up, and it’s 5:30 in the morning! Again! Too late to watch a film. Too early to sleep. That’s not ‘tired.’ That’s torture.”
BRAIN: “Oh, so now I’m the villain because I wanna sleep?”
IAN: “No. You don’t let me sleep when I need it. You don’t let me enjoy things when I’m awake. You hoard the hours. You waste them. You don’t rest; you sabotage my life!!”
PROSECUTION: “Brain, do you deny that you are responsible for Ian Smith’s creativity?”
BRAIN (smug): “Ha! Exactly! Thank you! Finally some praise round ‘ere! Where do you think all the stories come from, mate? All the poems? All the music? ME!! ME! ME! ME! I do that. You’re welcome.”
IAN (sighing, reluctant): “I… I have to concede that point, Your Honour. It HAS given me books… and music… and poetry….. I just wish it would do it at a reasonable bloody time!”
PROSECUTION (leans in, smiling coldly): “Oh yes, Your Honour… it did produce those things. But creativity does not come from this creature…” (points sharply at Brain): “…it comes from Mr Smith’s soul, not his brain synapses!”
BRAIN (furious, flashing V-signs): “Oh piss off!! I made him! I’m the genius here!”
JUDGE (banging gavel): “Order! ORDER in this court! Brain, put your fingers DOWN!”
JUDGE: “Witness for the defence, please.”
HEART: (Jumps up to the witness stand in little pumps, and looks around, puzzled): “What am I doing here? I just pump blood round the body?”
JUDGE: “Council for the Defence, what is Mr Smith’s heart doing here? Unless you have some valid reason for which you could please enlighten us, remove this organ from the witness stand!”
DEFENCE: “Sorry, Your Honour, wrong witness!”
PROSECUTION: “I call my next two witnesses, Bowels and Stomach!”
PROSECUTION: “And how do you two work together with the brain?”
STOMACH: “Well, I don’t get any food before Mr Brain gets his sleep…he’s the boss, you see! Mr Brain hands me his orders…no food, so no energy, therefore time to sleep!”
PROSECUTION: “And what about you, Bowels?”
BOWELS: “I work with Mr Stomach, ere’! Lovely fella.. pleasure to work with! But I do the same, follow orders from the boss! And when the boss ere’.. Mr Brain wakes up, that’s where I come in! Never mind what you want to do, I come first!! Straight to the toilet!”
PROSECUTION: “I put it to both of you, that you maliciously, and with malice aforethought, conspire with Brain so he has an excuse to sleep at any time of the day or night! No further questions, Your Honour!”
JUDGE : “Court will now examine Exhibit A: ‘Skullduggery – The Man Who Hated Sleep.’ Authored by the victim himself… Mr. Ian Smith.”
BRAIN (arms folded, defensive Cockney voice): “Ahh come on, mate! he LOVES sleep! Don’t ya, Ian? Don’t ya? Nice cozy bed, full stomach, bit of snoring…”
IAN (opening book): “Really? Then explain this story..written by me at 3 a.m. in 2019; about a man descending into madness because sleep stole his life.”
BRAIN (panicking, slight Welsh wobble): “Waaaait!…no, no, that was… creative expression! Artistic exaggeration!”
JUDGE: “Brain, you are charged with: 1. Theft of time. 2. Sabotage of consciousness. 3. Preventing joy between 7 p.m. and midnight. How do you plead?”
BRAIN: “…Tired?”
PROSECUTION: “The defense will claim the brain acts alone; that it makes decisions before Ian even knows. But science shows another truth: the brain suggests… and Ian refuses. This is not ‘free will.’ This is ‘free won’t.’ And Brain; you stole even that.”
BRAIN (cockney, defensive): “Oh come on! I just give him the urges! He’s the one what does them!”
PROSECUTION: “But you never let him refuse. You smother him before he even gets to ‘won’t.’ You drown every choice in sleep, fog, or panic. You leave him only two options: obey… or shut down.”
Witness for the Prosecution #1: TIME A brassy northern blonde, loud as a foghorn, wearing a tight white dress with images of clocks all over it, chewing gum while testifying.
PROSECUTION: “State your name for the court.”
TIME: “I’m Time, love. And I wait for no-one!” (leans in) “Well… except Mr Einstein. Lovely man ‘e was! Bent me round ‘is little finger, ‘e did! Seduced me with all that relativity nonsense. But everyone else? Nah. Chop-chop! Tick-tock! Move it!” She snaps her fingers at Brain.
TIME: “You waste me. And I do not like bein’ wasted. Don’t I, Death dear?”
Witness for the Prosecution #2: DEATH A shy, nervous, little man in a neat suit, clutching a little black notebook, occasionally stuttering.
DEATH: “Y-yes, your Honour… she’s r-right…she waits for no-one, and when it says ‘Time’s Up!’ in me black b-book of Death!”
TIME (interrupting): “Then it’s up!” she interrupted! “So don’t waste me…I don’t like or appreciate it!”
DEATH: “W-we work as a team…”
TIME: “A couple, thank ya very much.” She glares at Brain.
PROSECUTION: “I put it to you, Brain; that you deliberately, and with malice aforethought; waste this lady’s precious gift… therefore shoving Ian Smith closer and closer to this gentleman here…” (Pointing at DEATH.) “…her other half.”
PROSECUTION (coldly): “Brain, the court reminds you to answer clearly.”
BRAIN (folding its arms, whining): “I don’t WANNA answer clearly! I WANNA SLEEP!”
PROSECUTION (sighs to the judge): “For the official record, Your Honour… the defendant is behaving like a whiny gremlin.”
JUDGE (Ian in a wig):”Noted.”
JUDGE: “Brain, do you wish to have a defence lawyer to speak for you?
BRAIN:(RIGHT HALF): “NAHH!!” “I’ll defend myself, I think”…I…”I don’t know… I WANNA SLEEP!”
BRAIN:(LEFT HALF) “Nahh, you wanna defend yourself, not sleep! I think, you think!”
BRAIN:(RIGHT HALF) “Who asked you?”
BRAIN:(LEFT HALF) “You did! I am You!”
BRAIN: (RIGHT HALF) “I Object!”
JUDGE: “You object to your own defence speech?”
BRAIN:(RIGHT HALF) “Yeah, me left half has always been too logical and boring for me! It wants to stay awake and analyse, while I wanna sleep and party on down in my dreams!”
BRAIN:(LEFT HALF) “Right’s always been the irresponsible one, Your Honour! He’s the stupid, reckless part of Ian that gets drunk, and insults people, while I try to keep Ian’s dignity intact!
BRAIN:(RIGHT HALF) “BORING!!!”
JUDGE: “SILENCE! Both of you! I’ve heard enough!” (looking sternly at the Brain in the dock, now flashing “V'”s and middle fingers at Ian Smith!) “Brain; you are an habitual spoilt little gremlin who won’t listen to reasoned arguments or logic! I therefore sentence you to life imprisonment in a white room with no stimulus, and may God have mercy on your soul!
“Uh, that’s me, Your Honour!” said Ian Smith, and the judge said, “Oh…apologies Mr Smith!”
As Brain was led out of the courtroom by two marshalls, it yelled “WHAT?!! DON’T I EVEN GET A MOBILE PHONE TO PLAY WITH!” and the judge replied… “You wanted to sleep all the time? Well, you can sleep all you want now, without wasting this man’s precious time!”
THE END.